There are times when I actually forget that I have sarcoidosis. Times I don’t feel good exactly, but somehow comfortable in my new sarcoidosis skin. It just feels normal to me now. In some odd adaptable way, I have become accustomed to a little shortness of breath all the time, the constancy of my burning nerve pain, the strain of frequent fevers. It is amazing what we adjust to and how through that adjustment we find a way to keep on slogging through our life and to keep a forward momentum even as our body tries to stop us.
I can sometimes get through days in a row simply by pushing myself in the direction I want to go. I turn my mind away from the aches and pains and physically challenges that I face and just focus on the goal. Most days, this is how I function. I strive to live an ordinary life. I act as if I am physically okay and mentally astute and usually I can nudge myself past the obstacles of my disease.
Then every once and awhile it does hit me. Half way up a flight of stairs and I have to stop because I cannot catch my breath. For a split second, I wonder why and then I remember. Then, I open the medicine cabinet to get the toothpaste only to find a myriad of prescription bottles staring back at me and I am suddenly consumed by a deep sorrow. These are the moments when reality sets in. I allow for them. I don’t want to live my life in denial. Learning to strike a balance between striving for normalcy and letting in the grief is really the only sane way to survive my life with sarcoidosis.
It is at these moments though, that I realize my life has actually become a very strange slow slog. It is at these times I realize that very little about the way I live is easy and I begin to marvel at my ability to cope. It takes an unshakable resolve to live inside a broken body. It takes an unwavering spirit to even want to keep fighting for the best in a difficult situation, but that’s life with an invasive unyielding chronic health condition. You do what you have to do to accept lost dreams and keep hope alive. You keep slogging along..even if the pace is slow.