I’ve discussed the topic of fatigue in my blog before. I’ve even tried to describe it so that those who don’t feel it can better understand it but, it’s a very hard thing to truly understand until your own bones feel crushed under the weight of your very existence. (https://sarcoidsoldier.wordpress.com/2014/07/02/fatigue-monster/)
My pain tolerance is ridiculously high. Most people would be balled up crying in the corner of the room if they felt what I feel every day. Somehow, I have just grown accustom to it though. My pain is like another limp. I expect it be there every morning when I wake up and I have even learned to smile and look good through it…most of the time.
Fatigue on the other hand, is a totally different story for me. Of all my symptoms from sarcoidosis, of which there are many, fatigue is the one I find the hardest to cope with. I have found ways to suppress it at times but nothing stops it. I know my diet makes a difference and getting regular exercise helps, but generally when that real nasty overpowering fatigue wants to set itself into me, nothing and I do mean nothing, can stop it. It’s a fight I simply have not found a way to win.
It’s so insidious that there are times I don’t even see it coming. It creeps its way into my core like a body snatcher and the next thing I know I am filled with a foggy sense of confusion and my body suddenly weights a thousand pounds. I can’t move. I can’t think. I no longer function. I am not of this world while it has a grip on me and I can’t sleep it away because it doesn’t make me tired. Instead, it squeezes me. It flattens me. It physically compresses me. My body becomes thick as mud and hardens like cement.
Fatigue is cunning. It baffles me because it strikes at will…when it wants and where it wants…and it doesn’t care what I am doing because it will always decide when I’m done doing it. Fatigue finishes me. It knocks me down and kicks me while I’m there. It’s only goal is to destroy me. All I can do is wait…wait for it to pass.
I hate it. I just hate it.