Writing a daily blog is a challenge. Writing a daily blog about life with a chronic illness is not only a challenge, sometimes it is downright tedious. Perhaps this is why I sometimes branch out, away from it. I need a break from the constant reminders of being sick, of trying to hang on to hope, of talking about it over and over again. How many times can I write about my life’s challenges living with sarcoidosis with any originality? I am beginning to wonder. Yet, the writing is helpful to me…even if a bit self indulgent so I keep doing it.
Right now I am at a bit of a loss, frankly. I have good intentions. I want to write but I sit and stare at a blinking cursor and I am sure that I have nothing, absolutely nothing, new to say. I have no profound wisdom to share that someone smarter than me hasn’t already shared and probably more eloquently than I ever could.
Lately, my life is in beyond boring so I have no funny stories to tell either. I feel a bit like I am living in a bubble that is void of life. My routine, which is very important when you are chronically ill by the way, is incredibly uneventful. I get up. I feed my dogs and kiss my husband goodbye as he goes off to work. I turn on the computer and read emails and Facebook and CNN.com. I try to write a blog. I work out. I walk the dogs. I take a nap. I clean the house….and so it goes.
Most of the time I am perfectly okay with my boring little life. Most of the time my boring little life is actually pretty sweet. I live in a nice house. The man of my dreams loves me dearly. I have awesome dogs. I’m grateful I don’t have to work because my disease is wildly unpredictable. Once and awhile though, I find myself sucked into a mild downturn emotionally because of the repetitive nature of my routine and I begin to resent that I need this routine to keep me healthy.
So…sometimes I have nothing to say. I admit my life can be very dull. It almost feels taboo to admit this since all I ever hear from other people is how busy they are. Heaven forbid I not be busy too! I don’t really want to be busy for the sake of it, just to pass the time, I mean. I’d rather be dull and just a little bored. When I hear people talk about how busy they are, it often sounds like they are driven to be this way as if being still for awhile might kill them. I have gotten good at being still and even though it is tedious at times, I do prefer it to filling up my time with meaningless activity.
Yet, there is no denying that I am feeling a bit blue at the moment. I’ve been here before. I know that it always turns around and it usually turns around when I first change my thinking and adjust my expectations. I actually have a tremendous amount to be grateful for in my life and it helps me to focus on that instead of my disease or the monotony of my daily routine. It is true that I live a quiet life now. Perhaps I am not all that exciting to talk to anymore. My disease has taken a lot from me. But, no matter how boring things might sometimes seem, I do know that I live a good life and maybe in the end, when all is said and done, that is all that really matters.