Someone recently commented that my husband and my dogs are my “whole world.” I was a little taken aback to hear someone say this, to know this is how they see me, as I see my world as so much more than that. I’m not defined by these things alone. There is more to me. I asked my husband about it and he said that my world was “a bit myopic.”
Now, if you don’t know what myopic means, it means nearsighted, laking imagination and is synonymous with words like, uncreative, unadventurous and narrow minded.
He went on to say this, “…but that’s okay because you have learned the world is a cruel place.”
Really? Come on!
Now, anyone who knows me or regularly reads my blog, knows that I love my husband dearly but this hurts. It stings like a slap in the face. And to hear someone tell me that my dogs and my husband are my “whole world” and that my world is shortsighted back to back feels like a body blow.
The hurt was so great that I actually had trouble sleeping last night. I felt physical pain from being told that my world is basically pathetic, that my husband sees me this way. Maybe I was being too short sighted to notice.
But, I don’t see it that way. I don’t see my life as insignificant. I don’t see my world as pedestrian. I love my life. I love my life more now than I ever have and that’s despite this lousy disease or maybe even because of it.
What I know is that I spend a lot of time at home. I do this because my sarcoidosis wears me out. I do this because I can’t breath with ease. I do this because my legs are weak and my body is uncooperative. I do this because I want to conserve what energy I have for my husband and my dogs…my family…such as it is. If that means I am short sighted or lacking in adventure, then so be it. I thought my husband understood why I do what I do and I thought he appreciated it as I do it large part for him, for us.
I could go back to work tomorrow. I could get all wrapped up in a career again, feel sick all the time and hate life just a little bit. But, I don’t want to do that. I never want to do that again. I don’t think that lacks foresight. I think it is actually incredibly intelligent on my part.
There is no escaping my disease and what it has done to my life. I have learned, I thought, to live with it with a modicum of dignity and made positive adjustments for the betterment of my relationship and our happiness. Am I wrong?
I am not at all unrealistic that my life is difficult. I am not at all unrealistic that I cannot do what I used to do but at the same time, I am not going to justify my small little life to anyone, not even my spouse.
My world may look small and perhaps pathetic to some, maybe even to my husband, but to me, despite the challenges, is beautiful…or so I thought.