While I loath to admit this, my disease has taken parts of me and much like swiss cheese, I feel like a person with many holes now.
Much of the time I am able to make peace with these cavities and I can accept them for what they are. Much of the time I am able to focus on my appreciation for the rewards and blessings in my life. Much of the time I do not dwell in dark gloomy hollows. Much of the time I still recognize who I am despite the gaps. Much of the time I can deal with the trials presented me, grateful for the lessons that await.
But once and awhile, during a quiet moment in the stillness of the night, I struggle. What troubles me the most, beyond the uncertainty of the future, is if I am really handling myself well and truly making the best of living with my illness. Should I go back to work? Is it really okay for me to be home? Am I really happier now than I was before I got sick or am I kidding myself? Do I really like a quieter life now or am I living in denial? And so on and so on…
Frankly, I feel like a wimp sometimes. I know other people struggle through far worse situations and circumstances than I do. I know that even though my health has been compromised, it is not as severe in comparison to many others who go on to achieve great things despite or perhaps because of their illnesses or disabilities. I, on the other hand, simply don’t measure up.
So these are demons I fight in those troubled still moments in the deepest dark places of night.
And in truth, I don’t always know how to quiet these monsters as they leave new holes in my life…uncertainty, insecurity and inadequacy.
What I do know is this…even though I don’t always know what to do about these demons, I cannot let them win and I won’t. Instead, like a good general leading her army, I must review my battle plans, finding new ways to attack these enemies so that I can strive to live a peaceful life, free of comparison, useless self judgment and unnecessary doubt.