Nearly two years ago, I quit an incredibly difficult stressful job not because my doctor told me to but because I knew it was slowly killing me. I was fading away at home, no longer able to keep up with friends or family. And while I was still doing better than most in my career, I felt my skills were slipping. I do tend to have ridiculously high expectations of myself. And physically I was in very bad shape. My life felt like swiss cheese; full of holes I no longer had the energy to try and fill. I was a sinking ship.
The problem is that I loved my work. And while I’ll admit that particular job wasn’t my favorite, it did challenge me. No two days were the same. It was a job for a problem solver. I keep calling it a job but really it was a career. Something I worked hard to achieve and something I was proud to do for a living. And I believe I could have climbed higher, achieved more if I’d had the stamina. But like a thief in the night who sneaks in your house silently taking your most prized valuables, sarcoidoisis stole my energy, my physical strength and my mental endurance.
But with the time off, I’ve been able to recover some of my lost vigor, some of that spark I once took for granted. And this leads me to thinking that perhaps, I could, under the right circumstances, find a way back into the work force. And to better yet, make myself a useful member of society again! Get back on the ship, so to speak.
The question is, if I do this, will I be able to keep the ship righted or will I sink it once again? And I suppose the answer lies with the situations presented to me for work and the desire to make the attempt. I mean, how will I know, if I don’t try.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed this time off. I’ve needed this time off and we are in a situation where I’ve been blessed to take it. But I miss working for all kinds of reasons. I miss the mental stimulus. I miss being around interesting people all day. I miss solving problems that end up bettering people’s lives. I miss doing my part to bring in some income.
So, what to do next is the question of the hour for me. And I really have no idea. Some times this is a frightening question because it is so wide open and so unknown but mostly it’s exciting. I mean, I get to start over…if I want to. I can do anything I want. It’s interesting to think about it. It’s interesting to wonder what the future holds. It’s hopeful. I am hopeful that I can find meaningful work and still not over tax myself. I am hopeful the right thing will come my way because I am open to it.
I think being open and asking “What’s next?” keeps me moving forward in a way that keeps me optimistic. And optimism is a must when you’re living in a body that doesn’t always cooperate with the mind!
So I’ll just consider this recent question part of the journey…part of the adventure…knowing I don’t need answers yet but only need to be open and answers will come. And I can have confidence that the right answers will find me at the right time no matter what they might be!