There are times when this disease makes me feel like my life is on hold. It seems I am often waiting to feel better to do this thing or that. Every day is a guessing game. Will I feel well enough to function or won’t I and if I do, for how long? How hard will I have to push myself today? How many people will be fooled by my highly developed ability to fake my way through many a given situation? And will I have the strength today to do this or will the hold button beat me?
I loath that my disease has taken me hostage with only minimal chance of escape. I loath to feel like somehow the hold button can get pressed on my life. I fight this as hard as I can and I must realize that I can control the hold button. It does not have to control me.
Good days and bad days are taking on a whole new meaning. And my life has changed so dramatically. Nothing good in my life is taken for granted anymore. Amazing how this happens once your health is tested. Small moments of joy are treasured nuggets and like gold they are priceless and I cannot experience these treasures if I keep waiting to feel better. I must press on, move ahead and choose joy over forced stillness even on the lousy days.
Every morning when I open my eyes, this disease grips me, pulls at me and tries to slow me down, tries to put my life on pause. But every morning when I open my eyes, I make a decision to fight, to push, to keep moving, to keep living.
Certainly some days are easier than others. Some days the tape gets stuck in the machine and I have to rewind and start again. But as long as I know I have control, disease or no disease, then the hold button cannot beat me. I control what button to push! I’m pushing the play button.